06 Mag 8 feelings that I did not expect from motherhood
Stories about the hardships of motherhood have recently been in trend: there is no time to eat and sleep with the child, the word “manicure” has fallen from the usual vocabulary, and so on, and the like. I want to talk about something else. About what sudden emotions settled in me after the birth of children.
To restrictions like “you can go to the store, but only with a child” I was mentally ready. In the end, I wanted this child. Well, why don’t I go to the store with him? Moreover, it is very convenient to add purchases in the stroller basket. And forget them there when you go to the checkout. And then to conduct a thoughtful conversation with the guard that “I am not on purpose, I have hormones, and in general I go to your store every day, do you really think that if I wanted to steal something, you wouldn’t choose another store where all the cashiers, administrators, sellers and even you personally did not know me in the face?"
In general, all these “I can sleep only when the child is sleeping” and “my usual intellectual conversations turned into monologues about the quality of diapers and the difference between the sling and the backpack” did not particularly bother me.
I had enough intellectual conversations with my head during my studies and work. I had a buzz to talk about bike diapers and strollers. It was also convenient to sleep ten times a day at the same time as my son – I never slept so much in my life, neither before nor after.
But all this is lyrics. For eight years – this is how much the other day has turned to my older child – I so many times fell into a stupor from unexpected and powerful emotions that all these everyday joys and difficulties receded into the background.
1. Love
Let’s start with the good. It would seem that a sudden and amazing in love for their children? This is normal and laid down by nature. Well, yes. But I never thought that you can love so much.
The first night after birth, my son slept, and I sat above the bed, looked at him and cried. I sobbed all night. From happiness, tenderness and that very love. Yes, I know about hormones. But the matter is not only and not so much about them. Because the hormones have long been leveled, and this feeling does not leave me until now. True, now I still sleep at night and cry except on films and books.
The daughter was born with three times the GlobalPharmacy24.com umbilical cord around the neck. The doctor said that a couple more minutes and she would suffocate. And an hour later she was almost confused with another child – they brought me a bundle with a pink blonde baby instead of my dark -skinned black -haired girl. The midwife turned red, pale, asked for forgiveness, but it was too late. All this together seemed to froze me – I did not feel anything at all.
Imagine your greatest love. Introduced? Now multiply by a million. Better – a billion
The first two months after the birth of my daughter I was a robot. She fed, bathed, rocking, sang songs and felt nothing – neither joy nor love. But, no, I felt – monstrous guilt for the lack of "necessary" feelings. And then she smiled at me for the first time. And all the emotions restrained because of fear broke out, so much so that even after more than four years it does not let me go. It sometimes seems to me that it is impossible to love so much physically – the head will burst.
Imagine your greatest love. No, not love: trembling knees, sighs under the moon and "I can’t live without you". True love that wraps up from all sides and puts everything in life in places. Introduced? Now multiply by a million. Better to be a billion. Here, this is the most. The head bursts.
2. Loneliness
It’s good when there are friends with children. It’s good when you are a sociable person who easily meets other mothers. But eight years ago it was irrelevant for me. I had only one friend with a child, and he was four years older than my. I had practically no one to discuss all these diapers and purees with. And I wanted to. There was almost nothing to talk about with childless friends, I about the child, they are about dates to me. But who is interested, I thought. They probably asked the same question to me.
On walks, I looked with quiet envy at other women with baby strollers, who met in a second and easily found a common language. I don’t know how. Therefore, I was alone by the patriarchal circles, looked at the bare branches of the trees against the backdrop of the autumn sky and thought about the poor pigs that could not raise my head and see the same. "They are probably even more alone than me".
Friends came to us often, but due to youth and life inexperience tried not to interfere. Breastfeeding – even in special clothes, in which nothing is visible – they were embarrassed. Muttering something like “we will leave you alone with a child”, they went to another room. To communicate and talk. And I was left alone. Again.
Traveling with a child to visit, weddings and other joyful events did not help – I still seemed to be separate. Here I am with the child, but the rest of the world that has scored on me. This is now I understand that I have "set" myself like that. But then it was very hard.
3. Impotence
The child can bring as adults and never dreamed. Especially when he has already grown a little, but has not yet learned how to communicate. I remember this scene, as it is now: a two -year -old son is lying in a snowdrift, heartily yelling and hits me with my feet, and I sit in the same snowdrift and silently look into the void. And I understand – here it is. All. The limit, the end of all things, my personal apocalypse.
I can’t do anything. I don’t understand what’s wrong with him, and I can’t help him. And I can’t help myself. I can only sit, crushed by a sense of total, all -consuming powerlessness. Thanks to the good grandmother who passed by, stopped, by some miracle, she reassured the child first, and then me.
This feeling visited me more than once, and new meetings with it are inevitable. Because there are so many things in the world that I cannot control, correct or force me to work as I would like. Including children.
4. Intolerance
I feel this feeling for everyone who speaks and does something wrong with my children. A doctor who incorrectly. A stranger child who specially pushed mine and whose parent ignored it. Endless well -wishers on the street with their own: “And who is so big and crying like a girl? But now I’ll take you from my mother!"
At first I reacted calmly and politely, but then my good upbringing evaporated. Therefore, now all the doctors in the children’s clinic, all local parents and all passers -by are aware of what I think about themselves, their methods of education, and even their mothers. And what will happen to them if they allow themselves this again. No, I’m not proud of it. But tolerate my strength above.
5. Rage
In people who offend my children, the instinct of self -preservation is disturbed. This is the only explanation that I can come up with. Otherwise, why do they put themselves at the risk of encountering an angry mother, who at these moments more resembles a wild beast and natural disaster in one person?
In the first grade of my son, the teacher offended. As it turned out later, she offended everyone: she humiliated, called, she locked the children in the classroom in time instead of a walk (fourth floor, windows without grilles, six -year -old children unattended – you understand my thought?), I did not let me in the toilet. The list can be continued for a long time.